New to swinging?
We know exactly how hard your first steps in this world can be.
We will try and take away the mystery on this page, give an insight into what to expect, and suggest a few ways to make the experience a pleasant one.
Most of the info below is for parties, but going on a cruise is different, and a lot less confronting. On a cruise, you can politely decline an invitation to go back to another couple's cabin. If you do that, things really can't go beyond flirting. That lets you party with the other couples, but always with the safety of staying in public. No one will keep count or even know if you ever played with someone on the cruise.
Cruises are also different because you spend a lot more time with people. At a party, you might talk for half an hour and head off to a room. On a cruise you might see someone every day for 2 weeks, have dinner with them, dance or sing together, and perhaps even go back to a cabin. It really is an opportunity for new people to really get comfortable with another couple before taking the leap.
General advice for cruises or parties ...
For most of us, the first experiences in swinging are make or break events. We have spoken to many people who say things like
"The first party we went to set us back 12 months"
We have also seen new couples walk out of parties because one partner has done something to upset the other.
The first thing to remember is this is all about having fun. It does not mean you have to go into a sleazy dimly lit room and sleep with your worse nightmare just because you are there. Enjoy yourself. In this scene you can flirt with people as much as you like. Flirting does NOT mean you are going to go to bed, it is just playing. Of course, sex may follow but equally, it may not. Either way, enjoy, play and have a good time.
If you do get to bed, make sure you have a good time. Ask for what you want (and equally graciously accept a polite no) and try to give your new playmate what they want. Most people in this scene get to do and watch many things with many people, so they get good at it! Enjoy!
One very important point is that swinging won't fix your relationship. If you are already having problems, this will not cure all. In many cases, it is the final nail in the coffin. By the far the vast majority of people in this scene are in very strong relationships. The strong relationship allows you to discuss what is going on, deal with it, and treat it as fun, knowing you are always going back to your partner, and them to you.
Almost every couple has a set of rules that they work by. These rules vary wildly from couple to couple, so there is no "right" system. Some examples include:
- Only play with both couples in the same room
- No penetration
- Anything goes
- Only with a single girl
You really need to discuss what your rules are going to be before a situation comes up (before you go to a party). Naturally, sticking to the rules is a particularly good idea :)
As you go along, don't be afraid to change your rules as your ideas and feelings change. As long as you both agree and understand them.
The most important thing for each couple is communication. You will be able to handle the challenges swinging throws up as long as you talk, talk, talk and talk. Discuss your experiences after each night, what was good, what was bad, what you liked, what your partner did that you didn't like, what you would like to do differently, and what you are feeling (sorry guys). Naturally, listening carefully to what your partner is saying or hinting is just as important. A dumb mistake need not end your swinging days as long as it is discussed afterwards. Rules can change as you experience new things and change your mind.
When you go to your first few parties, let people know you are new. Everyone will respect that and be happy to answer all your questions. Some people avoid new people, because you never know if they will go though with it, and others seek out new people because they are new. Probably best to say you are new and be guided through the process.
Don't expect the Hollywood version of swinging where every girl is a supermodel and every guy is a handsome rich playboy. Expect to meet people like yourself, some older, some younger, some slimmer, some not. We are all real people. We all seem to want to be with someone younger and better looking than ourselves, which is fair. Just remember, if you are with someone younger and better looking, they are with someone older and not as good looking. :) Maybe you should help someone who thinks that you are younger and better looking to have a good time too.
Every couple except one is looking for a beautiful young bi girl for a threesome (and I've only said "except one" in case there really is one out there :) Do the numbers ... its a nice ambition to have, and it does happen, but don't sit at home waiting. You are much more likely to meet that girl as half of a couple.
Take your time. You are never under any obligation to do anything at a party. If it takes you 3 or 4 parties just to get comfortable, that's fine. It is much better to take things slowly and find out what works in your relationship and enjoy many years of fun than it is to blow it on the first night and never come back. I cannot stress enough, you are never under any obligation to do anything.
"No means no." This is the most important thing to remember about swinging. At one time or another you will be on both sides of this rule. If you don't want to do anything with someone, just politely decline. Similarly, if someone says no, immediately back off. There is a room full of husbands who will sort out anyone who doesn't understand "no means no".
Don't be afraid to stop. If things go where you do not want them to, stop. Everyone may be frustrated, but will understand and respect your wishes (see the comment above about the room full of husbands). You are never under any obligation to do anything with anyone that you don't want to.
Get to know each other and what you like and dislike. After a while, you won't need to ask your partner if they want to play, you will know what they like and dislike well enough. If you can't work it out, try harder! :)
Guys, don't stress about size or performance. Sure, you will see some very well endowed guys, and maybe some real stayers, but there is no point stressing about it ... unless you believe junk emails, you are stuck with what nature gave you. Get over it and have fun. The girls don't seem to mind, so forget it.
There is a fair chance you will end up having sex in front of other people, even if it is only your partner and their playmate. Performance anxiety in this situation affects all of us differently, but you eventually get more used to it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Just smile and have fun ..we're watching ;)
It is fun. This cannot be stressed enough. If its not fun, why are you even thinking about it? Enjoy yourself, play, flirt, play in a safe environment.
What to wear is one of the biggest concerns of new people. If you do this long enough, the lady will end up with a cupboard full of lingerie and sexy dresses you can't wear anywhere else, and the guy won't be worried walking around a party in a towel that gets accidentally dropped. Seriously, if you turn up in smart casual clothes, you will never go far wrong. Slacks and a good shirt are never out of place. Underwear is strictly optional :)
Make friends. This is a very good place to make a lot of very good friends. Swap phone numbers with people you meet. Invite them over for a BBQ. Don't think that everything you ever do with them has to involve sex. (well, not EVERY time :)
When you get home, don't be surprised if you bonk like rabbits for the next few days. This is the usual reaction, whether it is your first party or your 500th.